Perfectly in the Middle
Jan 5th, 2008 by Amy
It’s been an interesting time betwix Ava and I lately. She’s really clingy and I can’t help but think: is it just a typical 3-year-old phase, or does it have something to do with Down syndrome? I think one of the things that has me wondering is that that, up until now, she’s always been the one that has no problem with separation, shoves me away when she gets to school, loves riding the bus and really prefers to do things on her own. And I have to be honest here: it’s really frustrating to be the one that she always wants to be with, to know is around. Admittedly, my patience has been pretty thin.
But therein lies the quandary. The wondering if it’s the phase or the Down syndrome. Because Reid did the same thing. I remember with him, when he was 3, wondering why people always referred to the “terrible two’s” when it was when he was 3 that he really gave me a run for my money.
Sometimes I really struggle with the “is it just Ava or is it Down syndrome?” question. As much as I have accepted her for who she is, it’s still often in the back of my head, and I have to admit, that it really sucks sometimes.
In so many ways, throughout so much of her lifetime, it is she who will be expected to perform more, to do better, to be “ignorant until proven intelligent.” And all from a girl that has one of the keenest perspectives on her life, on others, on teetering the line between normal and different. So it’s times like this, when she’s frustrated that she can’t express everything that she can understand, or communicate in ways that all of us comprehend, that she (understandably) reacts with different means than you or I. That she whines, tugs, hits and struggles to get herself heard in a society that yearns for everyone to mold to the norm.
And so, despite my frustration and lack of patience, I am also beckoning my Catholic upbringing and feeling some guilt about my own feelings. If I, we, don’t believe in her, who the fuck will? And yet, if I don’t allow myself to feel the things that I am feeling, what then?
It seems to be a fragile line sometimes, this whole parenting thing–special needs or not aside (a whole other topic here). That balance between caring for yourself vs. caring for your children/spouse/family. Sometimes I feel on the top of the world, the “Ubermutter,” and other times, well, I just feel like a complete failure. This is one of those times when I find myself perfectly in the middle.
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With my non-special needs child (thought who really knows), I have similar issues as he just turned 2. What a pain in the butt he can be! This morning, as with most mornings, has him waking up next to me, whiny, crying, demanding, a cookie. And I reply we can have breakfast, so he kicks me. Mind you, he’s not really awake and his eyes aren’t even open, but who wants this to wake you up? My 5 year old never did anything like this. So, is it my 2 year old, or is there something special about him making him different? Regardless, it’s a pain.
Of course we feed him, the night before, so he can’t always be hungry for the amount of times this happens. I am thinking that it is possible it would be nice to know that my child DID have a special need to take some of the pressure off of me. I’m saying this not knowing fully what that means, and I am sure that the pressure off from that would just be replaced by another pressure and other emotions, but still, in that one example, it would be nice to know that there could be a reason for the behavior.
So, maybe you and I aren’t not so different and most likely our children are kind of at the same age where communication is a freakin Issue and they just get pissed about it. Dammit, Mo says, I am hungry, what does a 2 year old have to DO around here to get some food?! Or, Mom I was fine with my new school for so long but there are these new things there that kind of make me a little shy and I just need some Mommy to help me over the hump.
I think when they start talking – things will be a lot better.
Reminds me about how when they show families in movies or tv shows or even books, it’s almost never with really young children. The horror of it, and the boringness of it, just would not sell.
Meanwhile, back to the cocktail and the comfort of our friends and spouses.